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What did I say?
Sitting home alone… single.
I hate my life. But I don’t. FUCK. -
Dear Justin
I have had this in my head for the past week. Back and forth, back and forth, trying to figure out what I feel in my heart.
There’s something I need to tell you. Starting after the holiday party for work, I began cheating on you. I slept with a co-worker, who’s name I will not say. I have twice since. It’s someone that I do care about, very much, but someone that I do not know as well as I have come to know you. Today I think something clicked. Even when I think I hate you, I realize I can’t. You and I have been through too much, have too much planned, have too much in the “us” that I don’t know if I can ever go back to being just “me”.That’s a terrifying feeling, realizing that you’re in place that you are afraid to leave, even if it’s for the better. You’re an amazing man. The most amazing one I’ve ever had the honer and privilege to know. I’ve been a piece of shit in your life. I thought I was this mature, hard-working adult, when I’m seeing now that I am still this 21 year old, rebellious wannabe. I want to party, I want to drink, I want to have flings.
But yet I don’t. I want to be loved. I want to know I’ve got someone next to me every night. I want to know that he loves me unconditionally. I want to find my forever. However, what holds me back, is I’m afraid of forever. I’m afraid of that person falling out of love with me. I’m afraid to invest so much of myself into one relationship. I’m afraid to miss out on life - even when I could be experiencing so much more with the love of it.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m holding back tears, and I doubt that by the time you ever see this, you’ll have left me for a woman that can give you everything you need, including a strong backbone to lean on.
I feel so destroyed inside. Even as I write this, I’m thinking about how I will see him tonight. I don’t want to tell him that I don’t want him either - it’s a lie. He doesn’t give me everything you have and do, but it’s the… excitement of something new and exhilarating. The lust of a blooming romance, as cheesy as that sounds. I miss that feeling with you. I think that’s a part of why it’s even happening. I miss our fire.
I miss you, even when you’re right here.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to have a nice home, with our “kids” and you in my bed every night. I want to work hard, and be something you can be proud of.
But I’ve lost my motivation - in ways I never thought I could.
I understand if you want to go. I don’t blame at all. Thank you for everything you’ve given me, and helped me through. Thank you for holding me when I cry, and for forgiving me when I yelled. Thank you for being the perfect man a woman could ask for, even when she doesn’t accept it.
I love you. I really, really do.
Always,
Me… -
I don’t think
that I am mature enough to be in a relationship like this right now. I’m 21, and it’s like I’m just realizing it. I’m finally making friends, and I’m realizing that there’s so much that I have not got to do yet, that my 30 year old boyfriend has done, and is done with. He doesn’t really hold me back from it, but there’s still some hesitation. I can’t feel unconstrained. I want to go out and have fun, and stay out til 9:00 a.m. with my only worry being that I gotta let the dog out. I want my house clean because I’m not in it enough to get it dirty.
I kind of miss living on my own. There’s a certain freedom I had that I don’t think I appreciated enough.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m so deep in this relationship, emotionally and financially, I can’t just drop it. I’ve got myself in school, so I can’t even take a third job. This summer would be easier, but I don’t know if I can wait…or hide it… that long.
I just want to feel… like myself again. I am finally being seen as the fun, happy girl that I know I am. I don’t want to lose that again.
How utterly frustrating. -
I have
two choices. Either one has it’s pro’s and con’s. Maybe tomorrow I’ll list them.
In the short…. I know staying with one is the better decision for my life as a whole…but the other one has lit a fire I forgot I needed to have…. I don’t expect anything from him at this point…but I love having fun.
Fucking choices. -
Newest tattoo :) turned out lovely.
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I did
something last night I swore I’d never do.
I have no regrets.
I am a terrible, terrible person.
